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Mr. Sludgebucket

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Hello, Wilbur! Let's Worship Satan Today! [Aug. 1st, 2004|02:55 am]
Mr. Sludgebucket
[State 'O The Brain |amusedamused]
[Current Cacophony |Slayer - South of Heaven]

Here's a passage from the book I'm reading, Lucifer Rising: Sin, Devil Worship, & Rock 'n Roll, which is an examination of Satanic and related imagery in history, popular culture, and music . . .

In 1986, evangelist Jim Brown of Ohio led 75 young people in the mass burning of records containing the theme to Mr. Ed, the popular TV comedy show about a talking horse. If the song 'A Horse Is A Horse' was played backwards, Brown explained, the message 'Someone sung this song for Satan' could clearly be heard.

After I got done howling in laughter at this particular passage, I decided that I really, REALLY want a Mr. Ed record now! I wanna put it on my turntable and play it backwards and see if I can conjure up the Dark Lord for some infernal horsing around!

The moral of the story is that a horse is a horse, of course, of course . . . unless of course it's a Satanic horse.
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The Passion, Part Deux or Something [Jul. 13th, 2004|10:57 pm]
Mr. Sludgebucket
Hey, did anybody hear that Mel Gibson was making a sequel to The Passion of the Christ?

It's called, How The Jews Stole Easter.

Personally, I would've went with Mad Messiah: The Holy Road Warrior.

But what do I know? I just write vampire books and stories about how cats were created by Satan during an all-night bender.

I get my laughs where I can.
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Spare The Phaser And Spoil The Child [Jul. 13th, 2004|10:49 pm]
Mr. Sludgebucket
[State 'O The Brain |mischievousmischievous]
[Current Cacophony |Hanoi Rocks - Back To Mystery City]

Joe and I were talking on the phone earlier, and he was relating to me the latest in the follies of him dealing with his stepkids, or as he refers to them, "the children." It seems that the children were being especially bad lately, so much so that he brought his dreaded belt into play . . . Joe believes in the old method of giving a disobediant kid a few sharp whacks across the ass as punishment, you see.

"Hmm, I don't think Doctor Spock would approve of that," I said, with a chuckle.

"Yeah? Well, FUCK Doctor Spock! I'll crack him across his Vulcan ass, too!" was Joe's reply.

"No, not MISTER Spock, dumbass. There was a Doctor Spock that--"

"I fucking know that!" growled Joe. "And you know what?"


"I bet Mr. Spock would approve of me beating their asses when they're bad."

"Why's that?"

"Because Mr. Spock was really logical and hated things that were illogical. Well, whenever I beat the children, it's usually because they've done something illogical!" said Joe, with smug satisfaction in his voice. "I'm trying to make them act more logically!"

I couldn't argue the logic of that.
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Intellectual Conversations At Work [Jul. 5th, 2004|04:40 pm]
Mr. Sludgebucket
[State 'O The Brain |mellowmellow]
[Current Cacophony |Mercyful Fate - Melissa]

Today at work we were discussing the various aspects of heavy metal throughout the years, and eventually came upon the whole topic of Satanism and heavy metal. However, instead of the standard morality type of stuff, we instead wondered what Slayer, in their early Antichrist/pro-Satan years, would have done if Satan had actually showed up to rock out at one of their concerts.

Despite the fact that Slayer still uses demonic imagery, symbols, and themes, it's been implicitly stated by the band that the whole Satan thing was/is just a work and something they did for fun/attention. So at work, we figured they would've all totally shit their pants if Satan had showed up at an early Slayer gig and banged his fist along with "The Antichrist" or "Die By The Sword" . . . most likely Araya, Hanneman, and King would have all said it was Lombardo's idea, and then ran like hell, no pun intended. But then again, everybody might have just pointed at Hanneman and told Satan it was his idea, since Hanneman would likely have been too high at the time to really know what was going on. Either which way, it would've been funny as hell . . . pun intended.

It was also decided that if there really is a Hell, the guys in Slayer will likely be relegated to sweeping the floors, since they've done a bit of a flip-flop on the whole Satan issue. We figured Satan would appreciate the cool songs Slayer wrote about him, but would be a bit irked about them waffling on the topic, so they'd get stuck with a shit job, but not a truly terrible one.

We universally agreed that if Satan showed up to rock out at a Deicide gig, Glen Benton would probably hop up and down like a kid on Christmas morning and ask Satan to go on tour with them.

So that's the kind of thing we talk about at work whenever we're not making fun of customers.
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Candy, Cola, & Prison [Jun. 25th, 2004|07:39 pm]
Mr. Sludgebucket
[State 'O The Brain |amusedamused]
[Current Cacophony |Lucia - From The Land of Volcanos]

I just got home from work and we were so busy today that I didn't even get a chance to go get lunch, so I ate nothing but candy and drank soda all day . . . ugh. But I was struck with a revelation today . . .

If I ever go to prison, this is probably what my first letter to my family will be like:

Dear Family,
I haven't slept in two weeks because I'm afraid that if I do, my cellmate will rape me. I also haven't taken a shower in two weeks because I don't want to get made into somebody's girlfriend while rinsing my hair. I figure if I get nasty enough, nobody will want anything to do with my bunghole, so I'll be safe. And if that doesn't work, I can always hang myself with my bed sheet, so I'll manage. And after that, if they're still hard up enough that they want to screw a dirty dead guy, then more power to 'em.

I guess prison's still better than college, because at least this time around the taxpayers are footing the bill for me, and my fellow inmates are considerate enough to be honest about wanting to rape me, instead of trying to put a nice sheen on it like college administrators do. Prison still sucks, though, and killing that guy wasn't as much fun as I thought it was going to be . . . sure as shit ain't worth a decade in here. Maybe I'll just start jerking off and singing along with it ALL the time, and they'll ship me off to a cushy mental ward instead. Or maybe I'll just not take a dump for a week or two and then hang myself with my bed sheet, and leave them a horrible mess to clean up. That'll show 'em.

All in all, prison sucks. If any of you ever decide to kill somebody, either do it without an accomplice, or do it with an accomplice who can actually keep their damned mouth shut.

Yours Truly,
Inmate #9275666
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Munster, Get Some! [Jun. 1st, 2004|02:57 am]
Mr. Sludgebucket
[State 'O The Brain |Whimsical]
[Current Cacophony |Johnny Cash - Murder]

Man, I've wanted to get a hold of Lily Munster since I was a kid. She's hot, she can cook, and if she can put up with Herman and Grandpa's goofy shit, I'd be able to get away with murder. Hell, she'd probably even help me bury the body!

I'd be more than happy to kick Herman Munster's big dumb dead ass to get my mitts on Lily . . . aw, don't get uppity with me. Yeah, yeah, I know, Herman's NICE and a lovable guy and all that shit, but you know what? Herman's nice because he's too STUPID to be anything else! Big dumb ape.

I'd also like to get hold of Morticia Addams, but my lust for Morticia is more than tempered by my fear of one Gomez Addams. Frankly, I'm scared shitless of Gomez.

Y'see, I feel no fear at all towards Herman Munster, because all it takes to bring Herman down is miniscule intelligence and an aluminum baseball bat. But Gomez, Gomez is another story entirely. Some may put Gomez off as being an eccentric goof, but that guy's wily like a fox and smart as hell, and the eccentricity makes him all the more dangerous. In short, Gomez is an evil fuck.

As a matter of fact, he'd probably pretend he didn't know anything about me trying to lay the pipe to Morticia in the parlor, and every time I came over, he'd be playing ping-pong with Thing or nuking his train set with Uncle Fester, acting completely oblivious to everything. But just before I got it going with Morticia, Gomez would come galloping in with a friggin' fencing sword or something, kick my ass, cut off my ear, and then send me on my way.

You see, Gomez KNOWS his wife is hot, and he KNOWS guys are going to try to get at her goodies, and he makes a game out of it, waiting until just the right moment to totally ruin Morticia's would-be suitor's day. Shit, I'd rather play "catch the rusty knife" with Wednesday than tangle with Gomez.

So Morticia's out of the picture.

But Lily . . . HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!
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Check This Out [May. 13th, 2004|12:24 am]
Mr. Sludgebucket
[State 'O The Brain |accomplishedaccomplished]
[Current Cacophony |Exodus - Tempo of the Damned]

Here's a little vampire story I finished today, which I've entitled, "Cell Hell."  Hooray for me!  Now if I can just get my damned order of books in so's I can start making some money off 'em, all will be well in my corner of the universe ... though I do wish I could replay the last Thursday afternoon, wherein I was given a crowbar and allowed to smash away at a wall to my little heart's content.  Man, I wish we had another wall to knock down at the store!  Remodeling totally rules!  At least until you get to the part where you're laying tile until 4 am on Monday morning, but at least by that point, everybody was so tired, EVERYTHING seemed funny, so I can't bitch too much.  Anywhoo, I'm off ... enjoy the story.  I'm sure you will, 'lil sis ... it's right up your alley.

Cell HellCollapse )
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Hissssssss! [Mar. 6th, 2004|07:26 pm]
Mr. Sludgebucket
[State 'O The Brain |annoyedannoyed]
[Current Cacophony |Brides of Destruction - Here Come The Brides]

I don't care what anybody says: I think Halle Berry looks absolutely HORRIBLE as Catwoman. The costume completely sucks ass (ripped leather pants, near-bikini top, and a really ugly-ass cat mask), and looks like something a basement-dwelling fanboy would construct, and the fact that she can't act her way out of a wet paper bag doesn't help, either. Ugh, if the new Catwoman movie bombs and it messes up the chances for the next Batman movie to get released, I'm gonna soooo mail her a box of cat turds. I'm sick of hearing everybody tell me how hot she looks in the costume and how the movie's going to be great just because they get wood over it. Fucking asshole screenwriters. I hate it when they fuck with a character and tweak the hell out of it because they think they can do better than the comic writers who made the characters good enough and popular enough to warrant a movie in the first place. Isn't that why the whole Batman series got flushed after Batman & Robin? Dumbass Schumacher thought he knew better than the comic writers by fucking around with the Batman formula, and look where it got him. Asshole.

In fact, now that I think of it, I think I wouldn't mind seeing the new Catwoman movie bomb, and bomb hard. Bomb like me in the can after eating Taco Bell. It might mean no new Batman movie for quite awhile, but y'know, it'd be worth it just to see everybody connected with the movie burn in debt hell, and knock Halle Berry down a few pegs. I'm sick of everybody fawning over her (she sucked in the new James Bond movie, too), especially the whole Catwoman suit thing. It's an ugly costume, she's mediocre as eye-candy at best, and she's worthless as an actress. Besides, any so-called "super-heroine" that prances around in nothing but leather pants, tiny top, and a paper-mache-looking cat mask is an idiot, because if I were a supervillain and I had a super-heroine dressed like that coming after me, I'd just shoot her in her oh-so-cute 'lil bare stomach, tell her how DUMB she is for not wearing body-armor like Batman, and then kick her stupid ass off a building. And yeah, I take my Batman comics seriously, and yeah, I HATE Halle Berry.

That, and I'm goofy in the fact that it takes more than trotting out some vapid bimbo in a tiny costume and calling her a super-heroine to impress me. In my opinion, Jenny Sparks from the Authority/Stormwatch is the greatest super-heroine of all time. She was a drunk, she chain-smoked, dressed like a slob, was normal-looking (i.e., didn't have a chest large enough to have its own zip code), cursed like a sailor, and she actually had a great deal of depth to her . . . she wasn't eye-candy, she was a badass who was just as goofy as any of us. But then, she was created by a guy who can actually write a real story, as opposed to some repressed geek modeling a character after his favorite spank-material. Hmm, and it's probably hopeless that she'll ever get portrayed on the big screen by an actress along the lines of Janeane Garofalo . . . hell, they'd probably have Jenny portrayed by fucking Halle Berry, with my luck. Argh.

Oh yeah, did anybody see that the Lugs shoe company is now offering a DRIVING shoe? All I can say is that if someone's stupid enough to buy a DRIVING shoe, they deserve to be fleeced of their money in every way possible. As a matter of fact, I'm going out to the garage right now to go invent a SITTING shoe, and I plan to get rich and retire off the thing, because if something as asinine as a DRIVING shoe can sell, then a SITTING shoe should make me a pile of money. Popular culture is dictated by dumbasses.

I'm hungry.
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WHO IS YOUR DADDY AND WHAT DOES HE DO?! [Feb. 21st, 2004|05:28 pm]
Mr. Sludgebucket
[State 'O The Brain |bouncybouncy]
[Current Cacophony |Loud 'n Nasty - I Wanna Live My Life In The Fame]

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Character Analysis Through Video Games [Feb. 21st, 2004|05:02 pm]
Mr. Sludgebucket
[State 'O The Brain |amusedamused]
[Current Cacophony |Children of Bodom - Hate Crew Death Roll]

You can learn a lot about a person by watching them play video games or, in this case, have just about everything you know about them neatly summed up. For example, I greatly enjoyed watching Joe play Vice City, and I never grew tired of the fact that all kinds of horrible things happened to him while he was playing, kind of like what happens to him in real life whenever he's going about his business. But during one gaming session, I was delighted to see that a situation in Vice City totally summarized Joe's approach to life and his attitude regarding most things. It would have been a very insightful moment if not for the fact that I already knew everything the game revealed . . . but I thought it was plenty funny nonetheless.

There's a big, BIG gun in the game, ironically called the mini-gun, which, along with the chainsaw and bazooka, is highly sought after by players, especially Joe, because weapons of mass destruction give him a woody. For those of you who don't know what a mini-gun is, go take a look at the scene in Terminator 2 where Arnold Schwarzenegger mows down a whole ton of cop cars while inside the Cyberdyne building. The big honkin' gun he uses is a mini-gun, and it's a pretty bitchin' piece of artillery.

So whenever Joe first started playing the game, he was bound and determined to get the mini-gun, and though it took him several days, he finally found it. He was delighted, to say the least, and when he picked it up, he was impressed that it was so big that your on-screen character actually had to lean over to hold onto it and couldn't run very fast while carrying. About ten seconds after first picking up the mini-gun, Joe quietly chuckled to himself and then calmly declared, "I have a HUGE penis." After that, he ran directly at a car stopped at a red light, stopped right next to it, and then opened up on the car on full-auto at point-blank range. Predictably, the car exploded real good, killing everybody around it, including Joe, who was actually genuinely surprised at what happened, and then immediately pissed that he'd died and lost the mini-gun.

I observed all this, snickered, and then told Joe, "Well, that pretty much says everything about you right there."

His response was, "Fuck you, bitch! I WANT MY FUCKING GUN BACK!"

Yup, that's Joe.
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